Emotional Eating and Stages of Grief

For most of my life I have struggled with a deep-seated illogical fear of losing my parents, especially my mom.

In college I decided to sign up for a "Death and Dying" course in an attempt to face my fear head on! However, after attending my first "Death and Dying" class, my fear won out and I dropped the class.

Years passed and my parents health seemed strong for the most part...but I still struggled with my fears. My mom and dad were now both in their early 80s and realistically they were entering the winter of their lives. Eventually I would be forced to deal with their deaths. Thus I decided to prepare myself in advance and started seeing a therapist about four years ago. During our sessions she taught me to confront and deal with my irrational fears - especially the one of losing my parents.

Sadly, two months ago my mom passed and I came face to face with my greatest fear! My mom was 88 years old and was one of my best friends! Watching my mom "actively die" was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. During her final days and nights, as I sat by her hospice bed and listened to her ragged breathing, I struggled to remain calm and squelch an overwhelming and sometimes smothering sense of anxiety and fear.

As I watched her unconscious form struggle my heart yearned for the ability to turn back the clock. There were so many things I had forgotten to ask her! I still needed one more chat with her and one more I love you!

My mom's passing was relatively quick - after about 10 days in hospice early in the evening on May 17 her breathing gradually became quieter and less steady and around 7 p.m. she peacefully drew her last breath.

During her final moments before she fell asleep in Jesus, I (along with other family members and close friends) had the pleasure of holding her hand and reminding her of just how much she was loved!

As we all know the process of grieving is a rough row to hoe and everyone experiences it in their own unique way. However, one thing I had not factored into the grief process was an increased desire for comfort foods. I have always been an emotions driven eater and grief turned out to be no exception. The first couple of weeks while I was sitting with my Mom in hospice and during the burial process my emotions were so high that I felt the constant presence of elephant sized butterflies in my stomach and I was unable to eat. However, as the butterflies faded and numbness and denial set in I felt like everything was moving in slow motion and each day I was just numbly existing.

Then after a few of weeks the numbness started to fade and an intense sadness began to prevail and the dark reality of her being forever gone from this earth set in. I so missed the sound of her voice and our daily phone chats that always ended with I love you's!

As my emotions awakened so did my appetite. Despite being on a healthy eating course for the past six months...I now only crave high fat comfort foods and sweet and salty snacks. Sure, I steadfastly keep the comfort foods and snacks vegan...but they are still high calorie and weight gain inducing. 

Several months ago I was so excited when my friends had shared fresh grapefruits from their backyard tree...now I currently have little desire for fresh citrus and instead crave artificial citrus flavored Sour Patch Kids!  I still eat my fruits and veggies, however, it is not with the same zeal or zest as before.

As my cravings intensified, I keep telling myself, GET A GRIP SHARON - junk food is not the answer for your grief!! However, I was unable to talk myself off the ledge/out of the pantry and I was too embarrassed to reach out to my friends for help. I searched Google for articles on how to prevent overeating during the grief process...but came up empty handed. Had no one in the past ever struggled with this issue? Or maybe they had...but possibly it was not a big health concern for them. However, for me it was, and I needed to get my appetite for comfort/junk food back in check and pronto!!

I also knew I really needed to start chronicling my weight loss journey again (the good, the bad and the ugly)! However, I was torn on how to write about what I was experiencing and I was ashamed to admit to the world that I was struggling to keep it together - especially food wise!

Finally I decided to go back to what I knew had worked in the past. I prayed, emailed my friends who had helped me start this journey in the first place and watched the reality show "my 600 pound life" which always helps me to see the devastating the effects of morbid obesity on an individual. It was hard to start writing, but as I did the tears flowed I felt the therapeutic benefits of writing take place.

My Beautiful Mom

The act of blogging the passing of my Mom helped me to remember and reclaim what I had felt at the moment of her passing. As she breathed her last breath I felt the Father draw near and I experienced a peace that only comes from the true Comforter! Being at my Mom's beside as she died released me of my lifelong fear of death and at that very moment God gave me the assurance that by His Grace I will survive this grieving process. And, as my mother's daughter she who would have wanted me to carry on in health!

Wishing you prosperity in your journey!

Love,
Sharon

Past guilty pleasures and a lifetime of weight gain

Prior to going vegan and starting a healthier plant based lifestyle, I could not remember a time when sugar was not my drug of choice, especially ice cream.  It’s frozen creamy goodness would envelope me in a warm blanket of self-denial.  One spoonful transported me to a place of numbness, one that even the roughest tempest couldn't penetrate.

In the past I tried many times to "get clean," only to succeed for a few weeks, or, if lucky, a few months. Despite my best efforts, it would only be a matter of time before I would be wheeling a grocery cart down the well-lit aisles of the freezer section, peering through the frosted glass, in search of the perfect blend of frozen flavors - all the while hoping no one I knew saw me.

During one distant shopping trip, I found the coast was clear and I slowed to a stop in front of the premium "high fat" ice cream section.  I began narrowing down my choices.  Should I get my old friend "Cherry Garcia" or try a fling with the new”super-premium Greek Frozen Yogurt?" I ended up skipping both of the first options and was drawn to a larger carton of the new chocolate Oreo cookie variety.  As I reached for it, I was already envisioning myself devouring it.

After I grabbed the one quart chocolate Oreo variety, for good measure, I threw a pint of limited edition blackberry cobbler into my cart and quickly guided my basket to the check-out counter. My palms were still cold from the ice cream and I had already began to feel the guilt start to creep in. I knew within a day or two of my purchase, all of the ice cream would be polished off and I would be left feeling sick and wanting more.

By the next day after my purchase, the pint of ice cream was consumed and the larger carton was waiting in the wings - that was when I believe God sent a friend to help answer my pleas for deliverance.

It was late that same night (a few years back) after having finished eating the pint of blackberry cobbler ice cream that I was chatting with a close friend on the phone. During this phone call, he asked me if I was still sugar/junk food free.  Confession time.  I admitted I was eating sugar again and had actually meant to tell him about "falling off the wagon." We chatted for a while about my struggles with sugar and junk foods, then he suggested I start researching and writing a weight-loss book.  His logic being that the research for the book would help me find the path to success and at the same time help others who are struggling with the same issue. 

This was not the first time in my life that someone had encouraged me to write.  My therapist had also encouraged me to write, but I at that time, I had yet to fully embrace writing because I always doubted my writing abilities, however, as my friend encouraged me something inside me changed. The more I mulled over his writing idea, the more I came to believe that it might actually work and thus the blog and my hopes for writing a book in the future began.

While it took several years for me to become fully engaged and committed to a healthier vegan lifestyle, I have finally wholeheartedly embraced veganism and each day I find it more and more rewarding! 

Thankfully I can now say that since December 8, 2015 I have been completely vegan and have also gone gluten free due to allergies.  So no more non vegan frozen treats for me! 
And regarding my love of ice cream, I have recently purchased a good blender and have learned how to make my own vegan ice cream using frozen ripe bananas, blended with a few of my favorite berries and a splash of 100% juice or soy milk - nom, nom!

Wishing you prosperity in your journey!

Sharon

The Simple Secret to Weight Loss

Our Creator blessed us with an abundance of simple and healthy food choices that heal and satisfy the body.   With each passing day of this new lifestyle I realize more and more that simple eats, straight from nature's bounty, are my best friends!   

Six months ago, prior to changing my overall outlook on food, I would breeze past the produce section in search of my favorite calorie rich instant foods and sugary treats, however, now I am thrilled when a new produce season starts. 


This past week while stocking up at the store I was so excited to see fresh whole greens on sale.   As I stopped my cart in the middle of the climate controlled produce aisle to "pick a mess" I was mentally transported back to my childhood days of gardening with my parents. We lived on a rural four acre plot in North Central Texas.  As an adolescent I thought it was cruel and unusual punishment that my parents asked me to pick green beans in the warm Texas sun.  At times I was a very remiss green bean picker!   It is with embarrassment that I admit to occasionally picking the WHOLE green plant (roots and all) and tossing it over the fence into the neighboring pasture to avoid gleaning from it on my next go around.   Now, as a seasoned adult struggling with an autoimmune arthritis, I would be overjoyed to have the physical fortitude to raise my own produce. 

Thankfully though I live in an area that grows a lot of great local produce and spring is just right around the corner.   With those April showers come a cornucopia of fresh mouthwatering and satisfying fruits and veggies to look forward!  

The great thing about going vegan with fruits and vegetables at the helm of your diet is that you can keep it simple. I truly believe the secret to maintaining any healthy lifestyle is to not allow it to become cumbersome.  Once it becomes too time consuming and difficult those of us struggling with food additions tend to want to throw in the towel and revert back to our old fast food ways. 

One of the quick and easy dishes that I enjoy on a regular bases requires no recipes or measuring cups.  I call it South of the Border Potatoes (big thanks to my friend Kathy for introducing me to this dish)!  I boil yukon gold potatoes and mash while they are hot with a little soy milk.  I then toss the mashed potatoes with fresh diced green onions, corn and black beans.  Next toss in some minced cilantro and salt and pepper to taste. If you like your dish spicy you can add in some freshly diced jalapeno peppers.   

Within 30 minutes of putting the potatoes on to boil I end up with an amazingly yummy main dish which I usually eat with either grilled vegetables or fresh carrot and celery sticks on the side.  

Wishing you prosperity in your journey!

Sharon

Deceptive Eating - Staying Clean and Coming Clean

Honesty is a trait society values, however, I would venture to say that 99.9% of morbidly obese individuals are dishonest at times about their food intake and I am no different!  

Like my fellow extreme chunky monkeys I struggle with keeping it honest about my eats.   And even to this very day, despite successfully losing almost 50 pounds since December, I still want to keep my slips a secret!

 So, since I am blogging about honesty, I must admit I would greatly prefer to keep my pride intact and my poor eating choices to myself, however, I believe it is more important for my overall recovery to keep it honest.  After all we are all human and we are all going to occasionally, during a new eating plan, make some unhealthy choices. 

Recently I spent some amazing time with my family in Kansas and Missouri and throughly enjoyed it!  While I technically I stuck to my vegan and gluten-free diet I am thinking there is a good chance I might have inadvertently had wheat in the soy sauce that was used to make the Szechuan green beans with rice that I had at a Chinese Restaurant while on vacation.   

Also, with this trip came exposure to some of my old favorite food items, such as soda!  It was a warm sunny afternoon and we were at the park - everyone was off playing and enjoying the unseasonably warm March weather.    I was hanging out at the picnic table with a bottle of water and entertaining myself with a mindless game on my phone while soaking up the sunshine.   Off to my right was a 12 pack of Dr. Pepper that keep calling my name.  At first I resisted, but as the minutes ticked by "my old happy being fat self" started to whisper in my ear....."You know Sharon, Dr Pepper is vegan and it is gluten free!" and "You don't have to tell anyone....as technically you will not have broken your commitment to eat vegan/gluten free."   

I am sorry to say that I caved and ended up pouring half of a can of Dr. Pepper into a glass and downing it!  But the most surprising thing happened - it tasted sickeningly sweet and rather unpleasant.  Wow!! My taste buds had changed and I was shocked when I realized that I no longer liked the taste of soda.  Hallelujah, my body had actually learned to not enjoy the taste of sugary soda and I for one was not going to try it drinking it again in the hopes of reconditioning my taste buds to enjoy it again!  

Despite the slip, I am happy to say that I did not feel compiled to throw in the towel, as I would of in the past, and have a proper binge.  I now realize it is just not worth undoing the weight loss and the health benefits that I have achieved to date - I DO NOT WANT TO START OVER! 

The secret I am now trying is to learn is to not let the occasional unhealthy food choice define who I am going forward!

Wishing you prosperity in your journey!

Sharon

You Can Vacation Without Vacating Your Healthy Eating Plan!

Recently I enjoyed a long weekend relaxing in the the pristine snow capped Colorado Rocky Mountains.  This was my first time vacationing since starting my new healthy eating lifestyle.  


In the past whenever I went on vacation I was salivating before I even hit the open road at the endless variety of new foods I was going to try in each city I visited. However, with a determined spirit I made a concerted effort to maintain my new healthy eating lifestyle on this trip!  

Two years ago I was diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis (PsA), a debilitating auto-immune arthritis that affects the joints and tendons throughout the body. Everyday is a struggle to move with PsA and not even the wearing of a weekly prescription pain patch abated my pain.  However, in December when I started eating vegan and wheat free I noticed a decrease in my inflammation and pain. On this trip, I knew for the sake of my health I could no longer afford to go into vacation eating mode! 

Eating vegan and wheat free while traveling is not without its challenges.  You must plan ahead and for someone like me who is the polar opposite of a planner I had to adjust my fly by the night way of thinking.   Before leaving home I researched the best grocery stores enroute to the mountains and stopped at a Trader Joe's in Boulder to stock up on healthy provisions. Fortunately the friend I was meeting up with for the weekend mountain vacation was also eating vegan, so the two of us decided to rent a condo with a kitchen so we could prepare most of our meals in house. 

We also had the the good fortune of finding an amazing vegan restaurant in Denver.   This lovely vegan restaurant called Watercourse foods offered mouth watering vegan comfort foods with a plethora of gluten free options!  While we were in the mountains we enjoyed spicy tofu scrambled breakfast tacos in corn tortillas and homemade vegan cream of potato chowder!  We also found a yummy pizza shop that served a vegan gluten free pizza on a vegan/gluten free zucchini crust with your favorite toppings and soy cheese.  

Just because you are eating vegan and gluten free and striving to lose weight does not mean you can't enjoy your eats too!   So if you are struggling with a chronic illness, especially an auto-immune one, and have not tried vegan and/or gluten free yet I would truly encourage you to do so! I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how easy it can be to maintain and how much better you will feel in the long run!

Wishing you prosperity in your journey!

Sharon

It's Easier Than You Think to Lose Weight on a Healthy Plant Based Lifestyle.....

Starting and maintaining a healthy lifestyle has been easier than I thought it would be, despite being an extremely large chunky monkey.  I am now nine weeks into the Vegan/Gluten-free lifestyle and, as of this morning (Feb 12, 2016), I have lost 44 pounds. 
My cravings and desires to gorge, for the most part, have subsided. However, it still feels kind of surreal to think that it has been over two months since I have ingested my drugs of choice - creamy stringy fat filled cheese and sugar laden snacks!    
This past week for the first time in a long time I battled genuine hunger and it scared me. I immediately being to think...What if I am not able to get it subside?  How will I alleviate it and still keep my healthy portions in check?  To combat the hunger, I decided to not deny myself extra healthy food options that day. I steamed a package of edamame and enjoyed them with a spicy V8, the extra fiber and protein did the trick and I was left satisfied. Whew...relief set in as I realized that real plant based food was able to offer satiety! 

To help me stay focused on my journey to health I daily take time to educate myself on the effects that my massive weight is having on my body.  Everyday I watch episodes of "Supersized versus Superskinny" and "My 600lb Life" - these reality shows show the stark reality of how crippling obesity is and are the perfect motivation to help me continue my new lifestyle.   

If you are struggling with your weight and wanting to make a change, I encourage you to daily take time to see the mammoth struggles super obese individuals face, there are 1000s of shows and clips on youtube to watch.  These shows and clips help keep me away from the mentality that I am already fat...."what is one more pint of ice cream!"  Because we all know that "one bite of your favorite binge food is too much as a 1000 bites are never enough."   

Wishing you prosperity in your journey!

Sharon 

When Convenience Becomes Inconvenient!

I can remember a time in the early 90's when there was not a bathroom scale that went high enough to weigh me, most maxed out between 300 - 350 pounds, and even the doctor's office did not have scales that would register my weight.   

In my early 20s I was probably 
well over 400 pounds...but I could not tell you for sure because there were no scales around to weigh me.  What I do remember is that I could not buy pants to fit me.  I had gained the bulk of my weight in my waist, hips and thighs, so to keep myself clothed I would go to the fabric store and purchase three yards of fabric and my sister in law would sew the 108 inches of fabric into a skirt and add an elastic waist. Like thousands of overweight Americans, I had maxed out of the obese & morbid BMI categories into the SUPER obese -  A BMI of ≥ 45 or 50.

Fast forward 20 years and the world is striving to accommodate the SUPER obese!
Thanks to plus size mail order catalogs we can easily order clothes for our ever ballooning figures. The wide array of plus-size clothes range from XL to 8XL and up! Now don't get me wrong when I moved into the 6XL size category I was glad to have nice clothes to choose from, but what good are stylish clothes if my mobility was decreasing to the point that I was on short term disability and spending the vast majority of my time in my house because it was too painful to walk? 

With a plethora of greasy fast food takeouts & home delivery options, plus the calorie-laden junk food snack options available via Amazon for front door delivery....we can satisfy our unhealthy food cravings without even leaving the confines of our oversized power recliners. And while convenience is an expected way of life in the 21st Century...what we blindly ignore is that shoveling copious amounts of fatty, sweet and salty convenience snacks into our mouths will soon leave us unable to freely move and care for ourselves! 

When an individual is super obese life soon becomes a great inconvenience and not only for ourselves but for our friends and loved ones whom we start to lean to aid us in our daily tasks; such as grocery shopping, walking the dogs...etc.  It is an escapable consequence that with a BMI > 45 our weight-laden frames will wear out and give under the weight.  Our joints will no longer be able to support the mounds of fat and movement will become agonizing and arduous.   Additionally performing the simplest tasks such as showering and cooking will become exhausting! 

While some SUPER obese individuals might limp along for years, fooling themselves that they can have their cake and eat it too...it will only be a matter of time before they are stopped dead in their tracks...and most will not have years before the effects of the weight exacts its toll and the body gives out.  No matter how "lucky or healthy" we think are....we will all pay the piper and before we even know what happened we will either be house bound or living a very limited and pain filled existence.  

A couple of months ago I stepped away from convenience food and embraced a healthy vegan/gluten free lifestyle.  I actually cried the night before I started my healthy lifestyle as I ridded my kitchen of the unhealthy food items.  I was freaked out about the thought of giving up my favorite junks.  Would I fall of the diet wagon as I had done millions of times before.   Would the eating plan be impossible to maintain? However, as I got into the groove of the new lifestyle, the opposite occurred, I realized it was much easier than I anticipated!   Now when I am hungry for a snack I reach for an apple or carrots with a small side of hummus. 

I have since lost 40 pounds and I am feeling the positive effects.  And most of all, I am starting to understand that true convenience is being able to properly care myself!

Wishing you prosperity in your journey!

Sharon 

A Lot to Lose

It's been two years since I last blogged and during my absence I have fallen off and on the "dieting wagon" more than once. 

I started and stopped Weight Watchers, Fooducate, bi-weekly visits with a personal food coach and veganisn.  During my failed dieting attempts I gained and lost the same 30 pounds over and over and in the end I still sport the same weight as a very healthy female adult grizzly bear.

Recently I read a meme that said, "I would do anything to lose weight besides exercise and eat healthy."  For me, there has never been a finer truism.  

Sure, I would prefer to be slender and sexy and have optimal health, but the reality is that I have not learned yet to not equate food with love and comfort and thus I continue to battle weight.  Deep down in my soul I crave and yearn for sweets and rich highly processed fatty foods. Even though I am a vegetarian I rarely eat fruits and vegetables.  And since I do not hibernate during the winter months there is no way my body can burn all of the junk food and soda I consume.  Once again I am realizing that I am going to have to feel the temporal pain of junk food deprivation and embrace a whole food eating lifestyle for the remainder of my life....if I want to stop the damaging effects of morbid obesity and the rapid march towards an early demise.   

The funny thing is....whenever I start a healthy eating plan within days I start to freak out and have panic attacks and most of the time I run for the Swiss Roll laden hills.  I try to live in the moment and not think about the fact that I am NEVER again going to have xyz food! I know logically I will be healthier and happier eating whole foods, but, on a base level, my mind is frantically wanting to cling to the unhealthy way of life. 

Health wise my back is against the wall and the clock is ticking away. Almost everytime I visit the doctor, which is all too frequently, I discover I have a new comorbidity.  I am to the point that because of weight I am unable to have some diagnostic tests ran at the local hospital and unless I want to start getting my MRIs ran at the zoo, I better start paying attention to what my body is telling me.  While many of the comorbidities are reversible with weight loss, some of my health issues, such as compound fractures due to the excessive weight on my spine, will leave painful lasting mark.  

Thankfully in my life I am blessed with an amazing set of loving and selfless friends and family who care more for me than I care for myself.   Recently one of these friends accompanied me to an appointment with one of Houston's top bariatric surgeons.  The reason for the visit was to the discuss complications from a previous unsuccessful bariatric surgery that was preformed 12 plus years ago by another surgeon.  

During our office visit with the doctor, he emphatically said I needed a radical 2nd bariactic surgery to fix my first unsuccessful bariactic surgery.  I told him that I did not want to have another surgery, but instead wanted to start a healthy vegan eating program and to work hard to emotionally get to the root of my compulsive overeating.    He looked me straight in the face and said "it's IMPOSSIBLE at your size for you to lose your weight by healthy eating!"   And he went on to add that, "at the rate you are going you have about five years to live."  

WOW!  Never had a doctor told me I could NOT loss weight and the strangest thing happened....I left his office motivated to show him wrong.  My friend who had accompanied me to the appointment, together with her husband, graciously offered to open their home to me for a month to help me start on a real food healthy eating program.   Despite it being two weeks before Christmas I took them up on their offer and on December 7th I started.   

The company is amazing and the food has been yummy but emotionally it has been very hard...I am grieving my old comfort foods.  But I am actively working on my emotional issues and ready walk through the pain, sadness, anxiety and panic I experience while adjusting to new lifestyle...because I know it is going to open up a whole new world for me.

Next week during this journey I want to delve into and blog about all of the things in life I will be able to do at a healthy weight. 

Love and peace!

Unable to Dodge the Obesity Side Effects Bullet

In my early 20's, when a medical professional told me that at current weight gaining trend, “I would probably have about 10 years to live” - the statement did not even faze me.   For all I cared, he might as well of just casually stated that he preferred to use a Mickey Mouse Band-Aid after giving me a shot.    Years of experiencing life as an ever burgeoning fat kid and adult, who was bombarded by a world of helpful weight loss tactics, had left me with an impregnable adipose casing.  

Oh, I am sure, at the time, I faked interest, but really, who I was kidding?  I had no earthly idea (and still do not to this day have any idea) how to choose life over junk food.  Fear has never motivated me to eat healthy.  Nor has the shame of being unable to fit comfortably in a single airplane seat provided me with the incentive to change.  Even, the thought of dying from obesity, sadly enough, does not scare me into health reformation! 
 
Today, I am 44 years old.  I have outlived his dismal forecast by 10 years, but I have not dodged the inevitable obesity side effects bullet.   Decades before its time, the cartilage in my knees has been replaced by spurs.   Walking from my car to my apartment feels like a marathon.   The simple act of tying my shoes, which I mastered so easily in kindergarten, now, taxes me to the point that it is easier to just wear flip flops. 

You see, what I had not factored into the Doctor’s “death by obesity statement,” was that it will not be one of these "die peaceably in your sleep deaths."    With each passing day, my body tries to warn me and woo me into reformation with its messages of pain.  

At first it whispered, "my knees hurt," and then it politely tried to tell me "I can’t breathe when you walk a flight of stairs.” And as the weight increased and the birthdays passed, the obesity associated pain and discomfort increased to the point where my body now has to shout, just to get my numbed attention. 

Well you know what?  Pain is a powerful motivator for me.   And while I still have absolutely no clue on how to succeed at losing weight, I do know how to pray and today, I am asking God to please do for me what I cannot do – change my desires, soften my heart and cultivate in me a healthy appetite and desire to live life at its fullest for Him – Amen.

Sixteen Candies Meets the Lunch Club

I started high school at the tender age of 13, weighing over 200 pounds and four years later, when I walked across the stage and flipped my tassel, I was could no longer weigh on a standard bathroom scale.

I had pretty much eaten my way through high school with the zest of someone who was training for a Sumo wrestling competition.  My high school mental year book is stuffed with food related memories.   

If I close my eyes, I can tell you with accurate and mouthwatering detail how the food was laid out on the buffet line at my favorite all-you-can-eat pizzeria – but I would be hard pressed to describe the basic details of our school gym. 

When I would go out to eat with my average-weight high school buddies, I always felt comfortable and loved by them and thus felt free to eat with abandonment!  

Many times, after the meal ended and we parted ways, more times than I care to count, I would have to stop alongside the road to throw up, because I had consumed more than my body could process.  It was kind of like I was born without an “over-eating kill switch!”  

As I have gotten deeper into therapy, I have started to stroll through the corridors of my past. Many times I search for the “broken part of me” that is unable to silence my over-powering urge to gorge.  

However, the cob-web covered safety deposit boxes strewn throughout my sugar cluttered mind only seem to contain more questions than answers....

Why I am different than the majority of my friends?   How are they able to stop eating when they start to feel full?  

Why do some only gain 20 – 30 pounds and then stabilize?   

Do I have a weight limit set point?  Will I live to see my set point? Will I have the courage to decide to eat to live and thus enjoy the life that God so richly blessed me with??   

Fears of Famine and a Fully Stocked Pantry

                                                  

I was probably about six years old when I took my first plane ride.  My Mom and I were flying from Dallas to Kansas City, MO to visit family.  I can remember staring out the plane window, in awe, of the dense clouds that encompassed our plane.  And while most kids might have imagined being gently cradled in the softness of the clouds, my mind turned to its favorite subject - food. 

  

Leaning over to my mom, with concern in my voice, I asked, if I were to fall out of the plane, would I starve to death before I hit the ground?  What a strange question, for a child, that grew up in a house of plenty, to ask.  

Our family never wanted for food; however, I am always wanting for food.    Throughout my life, I have always wanted every day to be festival of eating.   I continually crave that full and sedated feeling that we all enjoy after a sumptuous Thanksgiving meal  - but my food induced sedation  came with a high price tag. 

During junior high, whenever my Mom and Dad were both at work, I can remember the excitement of coming home from school and finding an empty house and a fully stocked kitchen.   As I look back now, I know that the mass amounts of high carbohydrate foods I consumed on those latch-key afternoons were equal to an average adults’ prescribed daily intake of calories.  

The afternoons of continual grazing wore on, my weight increased and the guilt and shame set in and I began to literally feel sick to my stomach. Why had I had that third serving?  Why had I chased it all down with a pitcher of my homemade extra sugary grape Kool-Aid – the kind that when you finished your glass, you were rewarded with a spoonful of sugary sludge? 

At this point, I think I was too young to battle my internal conflicts with food or challenge myself about my out-of-control eating habits.     I was quickly becoming deeply rooted into a lifetime of vicious grazing and regret eating patterns.    I did not fully understand the seriousness of being a fat child and I had yet to start my first of many failed diet attempts.    

   

While I cannot remember being overly teased at school and I always seemed to have friends, I can tell you for sure, that being larger than the average bear comes with some serious drawbacks.    I could never wear the standard gym outfits.  The desks were always snug and the list goes on…

By the time I was a teenager, I could no longer comfortably ride the amusement park rides.  I keenly remember the last time I rode on a roller-coaster.   I was seated on the roller-coaster and when it was the park attendants turn to lock the safety bar on my seat, he struggled to get it to lock into place.   With one final push, it locked and I was wedged into an uncomfortable and scary ride.
   

One would think this humiliating experience would have motivated me into reformation; however, I think even at that young age, I knew that junk food would always provide a much bigger adrenaline rush than any amusement ride could ever offer!

Going Weigh Back

I really can't ever remember a time in my life when I was not fat.   In fact, I have been overweight for so much of my life, that it has become my normal.     

For me, as I leaf through my early childhood pictures, I find some in which I actually look like all the other kids in my age group.  However, about the age of six or seven everything started to change and I rapidly became the “non-ideal sized child.”   

By then, we had moved to small town about 30 minutes south of Fort Worth, Texas and I was in the 2^nd grade.  In order for my mom to find school clothes to fit my ever blossoming figure; we would drive all the way the Sears Store in South Fort Worth.    Which I must say, I always found to be a treat – because after we would finish buying my non-fashionable husky jeans, we would head for the yummy snack-food counter, conveniently located in the basement of the Sears store.  

How lucky could a junk-food fend kid get – cardboard textured jeans, that sort of fit, and a bag of sweet and tangy sour cherry balls, all in one trip.  To this day I can still smell the fresh popcorn and taste the tartness of the cherry balls. 

During the 70’s, when I was a pre-teen, Sears was really about the only store in our area that carried clothing in my size.   In fact, recently I was checking out the current on-line trends for children’s plus-sized clothing and was totally dumb-struck by an asinine advertising approach that one dot-com store is using to promote its Husky wear. 

The tag-lines under the clothing read, “It’s not easy buying clothes for your child when they are not the ideal weight for their height.  Husky clothing is difficult to find at most stores, so when you do find boys' husky sets, it's a blessing.”   Somehow, I doubt promoting plus-sized kids clothing as the saving grace for the parents of a 200 pound under-height adolescent is a good thing, especially for their child’s self-esteem. 

Growing up as a fat kid, I remember all too well how it felt awkward and embarrassing to wear Husky pants and I am pretty sure I never thought – wow I am so blessed to be too short and too wide!

So why was I one of the unlucky 7% of the children in the 70s and 80s to struggle with obesity?   Did I subconsciously think it would be easier to struggle with the challenges associated with obesity than struggle to give up junk food?

I am always amazed when someone can eat just one piece of candy and not spend the rest of the day jonesing for more – whereas if were to have ten pieces of candy or even more, I would still send the rest of day dreaming of candy.  

Sadly, I have yet to reach my satiety point when it comes to sugar!  And I am quickly coming to realize that what my therapist says is true, “One bite is too many and a 1000 is never enough.”   

Doing What I'd Rather Not

Mark Twain once said, "The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."   I think the key word in this quote is “you” or in the first person “I/me.”  

What I crave is not what I need to survive. What I feel driven to eat, of my own free will, actually slows down my life forces and leads me to state of comfortableness.  In fact, even I am shocked that I am still alive to tell my story. 

I will choose a pint of blackberry ice cream over a bowl of blackberries in a minute.    My natural wants are polar opposite to what is good for my health.   I can go days without craving water, but will break out in a sweat before noon if I don’t have an ice cold diet coke or a sweet tea. 

I am mesmerized by the candy rack at the check-out counter, the frozen dessert section and the pastry counter, but can walk by the produce section without skipping a beat.   

How I have allowed my appetite and eating habits to become so toxic?  At what point does the madness stop?

Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day and for the next 24 hours, I am committing my eating to Him.   

By His grace may I only desire healthy foods.

Food Unawareness - Mindless Eating and Obesity

In  2009 I started seeing a therapist who treats sugar addictions. And as we progressed through therapy one of my assignments was to keep a food log, however, this request was meet with much resistance on my part.

Mentally I was like...me start a food log?? No way! That would be way too structured and very "type A" which is polar opposite to my carefree "type Z" personality! Besides...didn't the food I eat on the "down low" -- when no one was looking not count...

Well....my therapist does not give up easily and after the second food log request I decided to give it a whirl...and boy did I hate it!!!

I tried it for one day (well actually 3/4's a day) and I crashed burned! No more food logs for me!!  It totally interfered with my continuous grazing patterns. Plus, it was much too shameful to actually be truthful and list all the junk food I ate.

Besides...I am already fat...so what is one more pint of ice cream...chocolate bar or one more day of chowing down on my unlimited supply of favorite junk food?  And if I actually wrote down what all I was eating...then the calories would count and I would gain weight!

But somehow the actual act of keeping an honest food log for even 3/4s of a day had made a dent in my armor and after two weeks and a couple days of all out sugar gorging, I begin to realize my thinking was flawed...

It was kind of like me saying that if a rattlesnake bites me in the closet...it does not count. But we all know that if rattlesnake bites me in a closet or on a crowded street.....it does count! And after the bite - whether rattlesnake or a bite from a 1,000 Twinkies - I still have a strong chance of dying, if I do not reach out and get help.

The food I "eat in the closet" today will eventually come to light down the road on my body as serious health issues. And no amount of magical thinking on my part can prevent the health consequences that comes from my sugar/junk food addiction and the resulting morbid obesity....whether I choose to be aware of them or not!