Fears of Famine and a Fully Stocked Pantry

                                                  

I was probably about six years old when I took my first plane ride.  My Mom and I were flying from Dallas to Kansas City, MO to visit family.  I can remember staring out the plane window, in awe, of the dense clouds that encompassed our plane.  And while most kids might have imagined being gently cradled in the softness of the clouds, my mind turned to its favorite subject - food. 

  

Leaning over to my mom, with concern in my voice, I asked, if I were to fall out of the plane, would I starve to death before I hit the ground?  What a strange question, for a child, that grew up in a house of plenty, to ask.  

Our family never wanted for food; however, I am always wanting for food.    Throughout my life, I have always wanted every day to be festival of eating.   I continually crave that full and sedated feeling that we all enjoy after a sumptuous Thanksgiving meal  - but my food induced sedation  came with a high price tag. 

During junior high, whenever my Mom and Dad were both at work, I can remember the excitement of coming home from school and finding an empty house and a fully stocked kitchen.   As I look back now, I know that the mass amounts of high carbohydrate foods I consumed on those latch-key afternoons were equal to an average adults’ prescribed daily intake of calories.  

The afternoons of continual grazing wore on, my weight increased and the guilt and shame set in and I began to literally feel sick to my stomach. Why had I had that third serving?  Why had I chased it all down with a pitcher of my homemade extra sugary grape Kool-Aid – the kind that when you finished your glass, you were rewarded with a spoonful of sugary sludge? 

At this point, I think I was too young to battle my internal conflicts with food or challenge myself about my out-of-control eating habits.     I was quickly becoming deeply rooted into a lifetime of vicious grazing and regret eating patterns.    I did not fully understand the seriousness of being a fat child and I had yet to start my first of many failed diet attempts.    

   

While I cannot remember being overly teased at school and I always seemed to have friends, I can tell you for sure, that being larger than the average bear comes with some serious drawbacks.    I could never wear the standard gym outfits.  The desks were always snug and the list goes on…

By the time I was a teenager, I could no longer comfortably ride the amusement park rides.  I keenly remember the last time I rode on a roller-coaster.   I was seated on the roller-coaster and when it was the park attendants turn to lock the safety bar on my seat, he struggled to get it to lock into place.   With one final push, it locked and I was wedged into an uncomfortable and scary ride.
   

One would think this humiliating experience would have motivated me into reformation; however, I think even at that young age, I knew that junk food would always provide a much bigger adrenaline rush than any amusement ride could ever offer!