Emotional Eating and Stages of Grief

For most of my life I have struggled with a deep-seated illogical fear of losing my parents, especially my mom.

In college I decided to sign up for a "Death and Dying" course in an attempt to face my fear head on! However, after attending my first "Death and Dying" class, my fear won out and I dropped the class.

Years passed and my parents health seemed strong for the most part...but I still struggled with my fears. My mom and dad were now both in their early 80s and realistically they were entering the winter of their lives. Eventually I would be forced to deal with their deaths. Thus I decided to prepare myself in advance and started seeing a therapist about four years ago. During our sessions she taught me to confront and deal with my irrational fears - especially the one of losing my parents.

Sadly, two months ago my mom passed and I came face to face with my greatest fear! My mom was 88 years old and was one of my best friends! Watching my mom "actively die" was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. During her final days and nights, as I sat by her hospice bed and listened to her ragged breathing, I struggled to remain calm and squelch an overwhelming and sometimes smothering sense of anxiety and fear.

As I watched her unconscious form struggle my heart yearned for the ability to turn back the clock. There were so many things I had forgotten to ask her! I still needed one more chat with her and one more I love you!

My mom's passing was relatively quick - after about 10 days in hospice early in the evening on May 17 her breathing gradually became quieter and less steady and around 7 p.m. she peacefully drew her last breath.

During her final moments before she fell asleep in Jesus, I (along with other family members and close friends) had the pleasure of holding her hand and reminding her of just how much she was loved!

As we all know the process of grieving is a rough row to hoe and everyone experiences it in their own unique way. However, one thing I had not factored into the grief process was an increased desire for comfort foods. I have always been an emotions driven eater and grief turned out to be no exception. The first couple of weeks while I was sitting with my Mom in hospice and during the burial process my emotions were so high that I felt the constant presence of elephant sized butterflies in my stomach and I was unable to eat. However, as the butterflies faded and numbness and denial set in I felt like everything was moving in slow motion and each day I was just numbly existing.

Then after a few of weeks the numbness started to fade and an intense sadness began to prevail and the dark reality of her being forever gone from this earth set in. I so missed the sound of her voice and our daily phone chats that always ended with I love you's!

As my emotions awakened so did my appetite. Despite being on a healthy eating course for the past six months...I now only crave high fat comfort foods and sweet and salty snacks. Sure, I steadfastly keep the comfort foods and snacks vegan...but they are still high calorie and weight gain inducing. 

Several months ago I was so excited when my friends had shared fresh grapefruits from their backyard tree...now I currently have little desire for fresh citrus and instead crave artificial citrus flavored Sour Patch Kids!  I still eat my fruits and veggies, however, it is not with the same zeal or zest as before.

As my cravings intensified, I keep telling myself, GET A GRIP SHARON - junk food is not the answer for your grief!! However, I was unable to talk myself off the ledge/out of the pantry and I was too embarrassed to reach out to my friends for help. I searched Google for articles on how to prevent overeating during the grief process...but came up empty handed. Had no one in the past ever struggled with this issue? Or maybe they had...but possibly it was not a big health concern for them. However, for me it was, and I needed to get my appetite for comfort/junk food back in check and pronto!!

I also knew I really needed to start chronicling my weight loss journey again (the good, the bad and the ugly)! However, I was torn on how to write about what I was experiencing and I was ashamed to admit to the world that I was struggling to keep it together - especially food wise!

Finally I decided to go back to what I knew had worked in the past. I prayed, emailed my friends who had helped me start this journey in the first place and watched the reality show "my 600 pound life" which always helps me to see the devastating the effects of morbid obesity on an individual. It was hard to start writing, but as I did the tears flowed I felt the therapeutic benefits of writing take place.

My Beautiful Mom

The act of blogging the passing of my Mom helped me to remember and reclaim what I had felt at the moment of her passing. As she breathed her last breath I felt the Father draw near and I experienced a peace that only comes from the true Comforter! Being at my Mom's beside as she died released me of my lifelong fear of death and at that very moment God gave me the assurance that by His Grace I will survive this grieving process. And, as my mother's daughter she who would have wanted me to carry on in health!

Wishing you prosperity in your journey!

Love,
Sharon

Weight and The Power of Friendship

Recently I was fondly reflecting on how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful network of friends who live and promote a healthy plant based lifestyle! Throughout the past seven years these friends, despite my chronic struggle with morbid obesity and increasing weight gain, never gave up on me!  Even when I had given up on myself and was increasingly becoming more and more disabled from psoriatic arthritis and weight gain, these friends continued to love me unconditionally and encouraged me to in turn love myself enough to change my unhealthy eating habits and avoid an early demise.    

After spending a wonderful afternoon with some of my vegan/plant based friends I was fondly recalling the many acts of kindness that they have showered on me during my pursuit to regain health and mobility and I decided to Google the role friends play in our weight loss and weight gain. 

After a brief Internet search I stumbled up on a JULY 2007 issue of Time magazine entitled "Obesity Is Contagious, Study Finds."  The article noted the following quote, "Your close friends can influence your weight even more than genes or your family members, according to new research appearing in the July 26 issue of The New England Journal of Medicine. The study's authors suggest that obesity isn't just spreading; rather, it may be contagious between people, like a common cold."

Wow!! I know all of my friends play a powerful role in my life, but I had no idea that they play a greater role in my weight loss and/or weight gain than my genetics and family! And I must admit while I was reading the article I was hoping that others reading it would not draw the false conclusion that they should "lose" their fat friends before they caught a few "pounds/stones" from them!  Because I for one, as a fat friend, for sure did not want to lose any of my friends - thin or chubby! :)

As I further pondered the article, I realized there are so many ways, both big and small, that we can make a difference health wise in the lives of our friends and loved ones.  In fact, just the other day we had a vegetarian fellowship meal at church and while the vast majority of the food was healthy....there were still ingredients that I was choosing to avoid.  As a vegan, who is also eating gluten free (to decrease inflammation)....I knew one stroll down the smorgasbord, even with the best intentions to avoid wheat and dairy, would set me up to inadvertently ingest non-vegan and wheat based items. 

However, it was my lucky day!  My good friend Kathy, an avid athlete and fellow plant based diet enthusiast, with a well toned physique, emailed me the day before the fellowship dinner to let me know that she would be preparing a special low fat vegan and gluten free meal for us to share.  And boy was I in for a treat!  She had prepared a flavorful quinoa salad and a side of delicious homemade roasted beet hummus with fresh carrot and celery sticks for dipping.  Her act of kindness allowed me to fully enjoy my meal with friends without feeling deprived, plus it encouraged me to continue my new healthy lifestyle. 

The power of friendship is invaluable health wise in all of our lives and the influence of friendship works both ways - it can motivate friends to lose weight  or gain weight. So my friends, if you are someone that enjoys optimal health from a healthy lifestyle than you are in the perfect position to influence, unconditionally love and encourage someone who is struggling with obesity. By showing them small and simple acts of kindness, such as packing an extra apple to share with them, we may encourage them to fully love themselves enough to make the lifestyle changes necessary to avoid suffering painful health problems down the road. 

Wishing you prosperity in your journey!

Sharon

Deceptive Eating - Staying Clean and Coming Clean

Honesty is a trait society values, however, I would venture to say that 99.9% of morbidly obese individuals are dishonest at times about their food intake and I am no different!  

Like my fellow extreme chunky monkeys I struggle with keeping it honest about my eats.   And even to this very day, despite successfully losing almost 50 pounds since December, I still want to keep my slips a secret!

 So, since I am blogging about honesty, I must admit I would greatly prefer to keep my pride intact and my poor eating choices to myself, however, I believe it is more important for my overall recovery to keep it honest.  After all we are all human and we are all going to occasionally, during a new eating plan, make some unhealthy choices. 

Recently I spent some amazing time with my family in Kansas and Missouri and throughly enjoyed it!  While I technically I stuck to my vegan and gluten-free diet I am thinking there is a good chance I might have inadvertently had wheat in the soy sauce that was used to make the Szechuan green beans with rice that I had at a Chinese Restaurant while on vacation.   

Also, with this trip came exposure to some of my old favorite food items, such as soda!  It was a warm sunny afternoon and we were at the park - everyone was off playing and enjoying the unseasonably warm March weather.    I was hanging out at the picnic table with a bottle of water and entertaining myself with a mindless game on my phone while soaking up the sunshine.   Off to my right was a 12 pack of Dr. Pepper that keep calling my name.  At first I resisted, but as the minutes ticked by "my old happy being fat self" started to whisper in my ear....."You know Sharon, Dr Pepper is vegan and it is gluten free!" and "You don't have to tell anyone....as technically you will not have broken your commitment to eat vegan/gluten free."   

I am sorry to say that I caved and ended up pouring half of a can of Dr. Pepper into a glass and downing it!  But the most surprising thing happened - it tasted sickeningly sweet and rather unpleasant.  Wow!! My taste buds had changed and I was shocked when I realized that I no longer liked the taste of soda.  Hallelujah, my body had actually learned to not enjoy the taste of sugary soda and I for one was not going to try it drinking it again in the hopes of reconditioning my taste buds to enjoy it again!  

Despite the slip, I am happy to say that I did not feel compiled to throw in the towel, as I would of in the past, and have a proper binge.  I now realize it is just not worth undoing the weight loss and the health benefits that I have achieved to date - I DO NOT WANT TO START OVER! 

The secret I am now trying is to learn is to not let the occasional unhealthy food choice define who I am going forward!

Wishing you prosperity in your journey!

Sharon

You Can Vacation Without Vacating Your Healthy Eating Plan!

Recently I enjoyed a long weekend relaxing in the the pristine snow capped Colorado Rocky Mountains.  This was my first time vacationing since starting my new healthy eating lifestyle.  


In the past whenever I went on vacation I was salivating before I even hit the open road at the endless variety of new foods I was going to try in each city I visited. However, with a determined spirit I made a concerted effort to maintain my new healthy eating lifestyle on this trip!  

Two years ago I was diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis (PsA), a debilitating auto-immune arthritis that affects the joints and tendons throughout the body. Everyday is a struggle to move with PsA and not even the wearing of a weekly prescription pain patch abated my pain.  However, in December when I started eating vegan and wheat free I noticed a decrease in my inflammation and pain. On this trip, I knew for the sake of my health I could no longer afford to go into vacation eating mode! 

Eating vegan and wheat free while traveling is not without its challenges.  You must plan ahead and for someone like me who is the polar opposite of a planner I had to adjust my fly by the night way of thinking.   Before leaving home I researched the best grocery stores enroute to the mountains and stopped at a Trader Joe's in Boulder to stock up on healthy provisions. Fortunately the friend I was meeting up with for the weekend mountain vacation was also eating vegan, so the two of us decided to rent a condo with a kitchen so we could prepare most of our meals in house. 

We also had the the good fortune of finding an amazing vegan restaurant in Denver.   This lovely vegan restaurant called Watercourse foods offered mouth watering vegan comfort foods with a plethora of gluten free options!  While we were in the mountains we enjoyed spicy tofu scrambled breakfast tacos in corn tortillas and homemade vegan cream of potato chowder!  We also found a yummy pizza shop that served a vegan gluten free pizza on a vegan/gluten free zucchini crust with your favorite toppings and soy cheese.  

Just because you are eating vegan and gluten free and striving to lose weight does not mean you can't enjoy your eats too!   So if you are struggling with a chronic illness, especially an auto-immune one, and have not tried vegan and/or gluten free yet I would truly encourage you to do so! I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how easy it can be to maintain and how much better you will feel in the long run!

Wishing you prosperity in your journey!

Sharon

It's Easier Than You Think to Lose Weight on a Healthy Plant Based Lifestyle.....

Starting and maintaining a healthy lifestyle has been easier than I thought it would be, despite being an extremely large chunky monkey.  I am now nine weeks into the Vegan/Gluten-free lifestyle and, as of this morning (Feb 12, 2016), I have lost 44 pounds. 
My cravings and desires to gorge, for the most part, have subsided. However, it still feels kind of surreal to think that it has been over two months since I have ingested my drugs of choice - creamy stringy fat filled cheese and sugar laden snacks!    
This past week for the first time in a long time I battled genuine hunger and it scared me. I immediately being to think...What if I am not able to get it subside?  How will I alleviate it and still keep my healthy portions in check?  To combat the hunger, I decided to not deny myself extra healthy food options that day. I steamed a package of edamame and enjoyed them with a spicy V8, the extra fiber and protein did the trick and I was left satisfied. Whew...relief set in as I realized that real plant based food was able to offer satiety! 

To help me stay focused on my journey to health I daily take time to educate myself on the effects that my massive weight is having on my body.  Everyday I watch episodes of "Supersized versus Superskinny" and "My 600lb Life" - these reality shows show the stark reality of how crippling obesity is and are the perfect motivation to help me continue my new lifestyle.   

If you are struggling with your weight and wanting to make a change, I encourage you to daily take time to see the mammoth struggles super obese individuals face, there are 1000s of shows and clips on youtube to watch.  These shows and clips help keep me away from the mentality that I am already fat...."what is one more pint of ice cream!"  Because we all know that "one bite of your favorite binge food is too much as a 1000 bites are never enough."   

Wishing you prosperity in your journey!

Sharon 

When Convenience Becomes Inconvenient!

I can remember a time in the early 90's when there was not a bathroom scale that went high enough to weigh me, most maxed out between 300 - 350 pounds, and even the doctor's office did not have scales that would register my weight.   

In my early 20s I was probably 
well over 400 pounds...but I could not tell you for sure because there were no scales around to weigh me.  What I do remember is that I could not buy pants to fit me.  I had gained the bulk of my weight in my waist, hips and thighs, so to keep myself clothed I would go to the fabric store and purchase three yards of fabric and my sister in law would sew the 108 inches of fabric into a skirt and add an elastic waist. Like thousands of overweight Americans, I had maxed out of the obese & morbid BMI categories into the SUPER obese -  A BMI of ≥ 45 or 50.

Fast forward 20 years and the world is striving to accommodate the SUPER obese!
Thanks to plus size mail order catalogs we can easily order clothes for our ever ballooning figures. The wide array of plus-size clothes range from XL to 8XL and up! Now don't get me wrong when I moved into the 6XL size category I was glad to have nice clothes to choose from, but what good are stylish clothes if my mobility was decreasing to the point that I was on short term disability and spending the vast majority of my time in my house because it was too painful to walk? 

With a plethora of greasy fast food takeouts & home delivery options, plus the calorie-laden junk food snack options available via Amazon for front door delivery....we can satisfy our unhealthy food cravings without even leaving the confines of our oversized power recliners. And while convenience is an expected way of life in the 21st Century...what we blindly ignore is that shoveling copious amounts of fatty, sweet and salty convenience snacks into our mouths will soon leave us unable to freely move and care for ourselves! 

When an individual is super obese life soon becomes a great inconvenience and not only for ourselves but for our friends and loved ones whom we start to lean to aid us in our daily tasks; such as grocery shopping, walking the dogs...etc.  It is an escapable consequence that with a BMI > 45 our weight-laden frames will wear out and give under the weight.  Our joints will no longer be able to support the mounds of fat and movement will become agonizing and arduous.   Additionally performing the simplest tasks such as showering and cooking will become exhausting! 

While some SUPER obese individuals might limp along for years, fooling themselves that they can have their cake and eat it too...it will only be a matter of time before they are stopped dead in their tracks...and most will not have years before the effects of the weight exacts its toll and the body gives out.  No matter how "lucky or healthy" we think are....we will all pay the piper and before we even know what happened we will either be house bound or living a very limited and pain filled existence.  

A couple of months ago I stepped away from convenience food and embraced a healthy vegan/gluten free lifestyle.  I actually cried the night before I started my healthy lifestyle as I ridded my kitchen of the unhealthy food items.  I was freaked out about the thought of giving up my favorite junks.  Would I fall of the diet wagon as I had done millions of times before.   Would the eating plan be impossible to maintain? However, as I got into the groove of the new lifestyle, the opposite occurred, I realized it was much easier than I anticipated!   Now when I am hungry for a snack I reach for an apple or carrots with a small side of hummus. 

I have since lost 40 pounds and I am feeling the positive effects.  And most of all, I am starting to understand that true convenience is being able to properly care myself!

Wishing you prosperity in your journey!

Sharon