In college I decided to sign up for a "Death and Dying" course in an attempt to face my fear head on! However, after attending my first "Death and Dying" class, my fear won out and I dropped the class.
Years passed and my parents health seemed strong for the most part...but I still struggled with my fears. My mom and dad were now both in their early 80s and realistically they were entering the winter of their lives. Eventually I would be forced to deal with their deaths. Thus I decided to prepare myself in advance and started seeing a therapist about four years ago. During our sessions she taught me to confront and deal with my irrational fears - especially the one of losing my parents.
Sadly, two months ago my mom passed and I came face to face with my greatest fear! My mom was 88 years old and was one of my best friends! Watching my mom "actively die" was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. During her final days and nights, as I sat by her hospice bed and listened to her ragged breathing, I struggled to remain calm and squelch an overwhelming and sometimes smothering sense of anxiety and fear.
As I watched her unconscious form struggle my heart yearned for the ability to turn back the clock. There were so many things I had forgotten to ask her! I still needed one more chat with her and one more I love you!
My mom's passing was relatively quick - after about 10 days in hospice early in the evening on May 17 her breathing gradually became quieter and less steady and around 7 p.m. she peacefully drew her last breath.
During her final moments before she fell asleep in Jesus, I (along with other family members and close friends) had the pleasure of holding her hand and reminding her of just how much she was loved!
As we all know the process of grieving is a rough row to hoe and everyone experiences it in their own unique way. However, one thing I had not factored into the grief process was an increased desire for comfort foods. I have always been an emotions driven eater and grief turned out to be no exception. The first couple of weeks while I was sitting with my Mom in hospice and during the burial process my emotions were so high that I felt the constant presence of elephant sized butterflies in my stomach and I was unable to eat. However, as the butterflies faded and numbness and denial set in I felt like everything was moving in slow motion and each day I was just numbly existing.
Then after a few of weeks the numbness started to fade and an intense sadness began to prevail and the dark reality of her being forever gone from this earth set in. I so missed the sound of her voice and our daily phone chats that always ended with I love you's!
As my emotions awakened so did my appetite. Despite being on a healthy eating course for the past six months...I now only crave high fat comfort foods and sweet and salty snacks. Sure, I steadfastly keep the comfort foods and snacks vegan...but they are still high calorie and weight gain inducing.
Several months ago I was so excited when my friends had shared fresh grapefruits from their backyard tree...now I currently have little desire for fresh citrus and instead crave artificial citrus flavored Sour Patch Kids! I still eat my fruits and veggies, however, it is not with the same zeal or zest as before.
As my cravings intensified, I keep telling myself, GET A GRIP SHARON - junk food is not the answer for your grief!! However, I was unable to talk myself off the ledge/out of the pantry and I was too embarrassed to reach out to my friends for help. I searched Google for articles on how to prevent overeating during the grief process...but came up empty handed. Had no one in the past ever struggled with this issue? Or maybe they had...but possibly it was not a big health concern for them. However, for me it was, and I needed to get my appetite for comfort/junk food back in check and pronto!!
I also knew I really needed to start chronicling my weight loss journey again (the good, the bad and the ugly)! However, I was torn on how to write about what I was experiencing and I was ashamed to admit to the world that I was struggling to keep it together - especially food wise!
Finally I decided to go back to what I knew had worked in the past. I prayed, emailed my friends who had helped me start this journey in the first place and watched the reality show "my 600 pound life" which always helps me to see the devastating the effects of morbid obesity on an individual. It was hard to start writing, but as I did the tears flowed I felt the therapeutic benefits of writing take place.
 |
| My Beautiful Mom |
Wishing you prosperity in your journey!
Love,
Sharon
