Fears of Famine and a Fully Stocked Pantry

                                                  

I was probably about six years old when I took my first plane ride.  My Mom and I were flying from Dallas to Kansas City, MO to visit family.  I can remember staring out the plane window, in awe, of the dense clouds that encompassed our plane.  And while most kids might have imagined being gently cradled in the softness of the clouds, my mind turned to its favorite subject - food. 

  

Leaning over to my mom, with concern in my voice, I asked, if I were to fall out of the plane, would I starve to death before I hit the ground?  What a strange question, for a child, that grew up in a house of plenty, to ask.  

Our family never wanted for food; however, I am always wanting for food.    Throughout my life, I have always wanted every day to be festival of eating.   I continually crave that full and sedated feeling that we all enjoy after a sumptuous Thanksgiving meal  - but my food induced sedation  came with a high price tag. 

During junior high, whenever my Mom and Dad were both at work, I can remember the excitement of coming home from school and finding an empty house and a fully stocked kitchen.   As I look back now, I know that the mass amounts of high carbohydrate foods I consumed on those latch-key afternoons were equal to an average adults’ prescribed daily intake of calories.  

The afternoons of continual grazing wore on, my weight increased and the guilt and shame set in and I began to literally feel sick to my stomach. Why had I had that third serving?  Why had I chased it all down with a pitcher of my homemade extra sugary grape Kool-Aid – the kind that when you finished your glass, you were rewarded with a spoonful of sugary sludge? 

At this point, I think I was too young to battle my internal conflicts with food or challenge myself about my out-of-control eating habits.     I was quickly becoming deeply rooted into a lifetime of vicious grazing and regret eating patterns.    I did not fully understand the seriousness of being a fat child and I had yet to start my first of many failed diet attempts.    

   

While I cannot remember being overly teased at school and I always seemed to have friends, I can tell you for sure, that being larger than the average bear comes with some serious drawbacks.    I could never wear the standard gym outfits.  The desks were always snug and the list goes on…

By the time I was a teenager, I could no longer comfortably ride the amusement park rides.  I keenly remember the last time I rode on a roller-coaster.   I was seated on the roller-coaster and when it was the park attendants turn to lock the safety bar on my seat, he struggled to get it to lock into place.   With one final push, it locked and I was wedged into an uncomfortable and scary ride.
   

One would think this humiliating experience would have motivated me into reformation; however, I think even at that young age, I knew that junk food would always provide a much bigger adrenaline rush than any amusement ride could ever offer!

Going Weigh Back

I really can't ever remember a time in my life when I was not fat.   In fact, I have been overweight for so much of my life, that it has become my normal.     

For me, as I leaf through my early childhood pictures, I find some in which I actually look like all the other kids in my age group.  However, about the age of six or seven everything started to change and I rapidly became the “non-ideal sized child.”   

By then, we had moved to small town about 30 minutes south of Fort Worth, Texas and I was in the 2^nd grade.  In order for my mom to find school clothes to fit my ever blossoming figure; we would drive all the way the Sears Store in South Fort Worth.    Which I must say, I always found to be a treat – because after we would finish buying my non-fashionable husky jeans, we would head for the yummy snack-food counter, conveniently located in the basement of the Sears store.  

How lucky could a junk-food fend kid get – cardboard textured jeans, that sort of fit, and a bag of sweet and tangy sour cherry balls, all in one trip.  To this day I can still smell the fresh popcorn and taste the tartness of the cherry balls. 

During the 70’s, when I was a pre-teen, Sears was really about the only store in our area that carried clothing in my size.   In fact, recently I was checking out the current on-line trends for children’s plus-sized clothing and was totally dumb-struck by an asinine advertising approach that one dot-com store is using to promote its Husky wear. 

The tag-lines under the clothing read, “It’s not easy buying clothes for your child when they are not the ideal weight for their height.  Husky clothing is difficult to find at most stores, so when you do find boys' husky sets, it's a blessing.”   Somehow, I doubt promoting plus-sized kids clothing as the saving grace for the parents of a 200 pound under-height adolescent is a good thing, especially for their child’s self-esteem. 

Growing up as a fat kid, I remember all too well how it felt awkward and embarrassing to wear Husky pants and I am pretty sure I never thought – wow I am so blessed to be too short and too wide!

So why was I one of the unlucky 7% of the children in the 70s and 80s to struggle with obesity?   Did I subconsciously think it would be easier to struggle with the challenges associated with obesity than struggle to give up junk food?

I am always amazed when someone can eat just one piece of candy and not spend the rest of the day jonesing for more – whereas if were to have ten pieces of candy or even more, I would still send the rest of day dreaming of candy.  

Sadly, I have yet to reach my satiety point when it comes to sugar!  And I am quickly coming to realize that what my therapist says is true, “One bite is too many and a 1000 is never enough.”   

Doing What I'd Rather Not

Mark Twain once said, "The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."   I think the key word in this quote is “you” or in the first person “I/me.”  

What I crave is not what I need to survive. What I feel driven to eat, of my own free will, actually slows down my life forces and leads me to state of comfortableness.  In fact, even I am shocked that I am still alive to tell my story. 

I will choose a pint of blackberry ice cream over a bowl of blackberries in a minute.    My natural wants are polar opposite to what is good for my health.   I can go days without craving water, but will break out in a sweat before noon if I don’t have an ice cold diet coke or a sweet tea. 

I am mesmerized by the candy rack at the check-out counter, the frozen dessert section and the pastry counter, but can walk by the produce section without skipping a beat.   

How I have allowed my appetite and eating habits to become so toxic?  At what point does the madness stop?

Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day and for the next 24 hours, I am committing my eating to Him.   

By His grace may I only desire healthy foods.